Well, haven't been blogging much lately. A lot's been going on. There was drama with my sister's ex-husband's family, family drama, he-said she-said bull with some patna's & then I found out I'll be induced on February 8th! I've been trying really hard to get ready but it's so hard to prepare for someone you've never met! I bought all these clothes, diapers, baby washes & lotions. My mom bought a crib & so I was close to buying a new crib bedding set but it was either get that & hold off on all the smaller necessities, or get all the little things & get that next week when I get paid again. It's been really tough financially for us because my husband hasn't worked since August of 2010 so we were living off my income until I got laid off, then we were living off my unemployment. It's been a tight squeeze but thankfully, I've had a lot of help along the way. There was a lot of skepticism on what might happen during the pregnancy, but I can only thank our Father in Heaven for blessing my baby with perfect health so I can meet her soon! In one week & 5 days, I'll meet my baby girl.
Things have been somewhat complicated lately. I'm super annoyed by my roommates most days, I've been so clingy to my husband that I'm sure I'm driving him crazy, my sister's ex-husband & his family have been trying to take the kids on bullshit grounds, my "friends" have become far & few in between, I'm in the middle of an appeal for a tax deficiency, my mother and I just got back to speaking terms and I have been trying really hard to stay on top of these bills, my insurance changes, my work & last but not least, my husband hasn't really been keeping his family updated on what's been going on so I think they think I'm not letting him. I try to take it all one at a time, but it's so hard to remember to do one thing & then go back to the other once I'm done. I feel like I'm falling & nobody sees it but me. I would confide in my husband, but lately I feel like everything I tell him makes him look at me differently & I'm tired of trying to reassure myself that everything's okay between us. If they are, then I'd rather not disturb them & if they aren't, then I don't want to know. I feel like the hampster who thinks he's running but he's really on a wheel that keeps going in circles no matter how fast or how slow he moves. How do I get off the ferris wheel?
My sister quit her job yesterday. That's great & all since she has the 2 kids at home that she should be taking care of, but her boyfriend has been sick & calling in every day for about a week and a half now. Who knows how long he'll have that job & then what will happen to the kids & our apartment? I love my sister, but I would think that after 2 years of marriage to a man who couldn't physically or emotionally support her & 2 kids, why would she put herself right back into another man's hands? I've already learned that even with a man beside you, there's NEVER a complete certainty that he'll be able to take care of you. I haven't ever depended on anyone but myself for my financial needs & I think my sister's dumb for thinking she can depend on anyone but herself to take care of her & her kids. Her ex quit his job to get out of paying child support & her boyfriend has had 3 jobs since they started dating exclusively a year ago. I don't see any stability patterns forming here. Don't get me wrong, not that I don't think I can depend on my husband when I say all this, but after nearly 2 years of marriage, I've worked the same job the entire time & he's had 2 different jobs working each for only 3 months before he got let go. Who would you trust to take care of the finances? All I'm saying is, maybe my sister should have saved up or something before taking a leap of faith & quitting her job. As much as I'm always ready & willing to help support my niece & nephew, I have a baby coming that I need to think of first now.
Time was going quickly when I thought there was 9 months to go, but now that there are 2 weeks left, it feels like time isn't moving at all! I guess I'll just count the days as they come. Soon & very soon.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Thursday, November 25, 2010
troubled waters.
Today I imagined what life would be like if I had my son with me. Would I be a good mom? Would he love me as much as I love him?
This year for Thanksgiving, I made enough dinner for just my house & didn't go to my moms like I usually do every year. Last year, she spent Thanksgiving in Wendover with her husband whom I hate. This year, she decided to invite us all over & she actually cooked. It made me think, why on earth would you think I would forgive your husband & come over? I know it sounds horrible not to just let bygones be bygones for Thanksgiving, but I feel so much anger still for the way she left us all alone last year & then told me that just because I hate him, I have to learn to live with him because she chooses him. The fuck do I need to do that for? That man disrespected her children & my husband on numerous occasions & I'm supposed to spend a day of thanks with him? No. I'd rather not. She chose her husband and I choose mine. I spent all day cooking & cleaning & looked at my poor husband. He gave up everything to come here & be with me & on a day where you're supposed to be surrounded by the people you love we only have each other. I know that that's enough for me but I wonder if that's enough for him? My mother texted & asked again that I come with my husband. I ignored it. She knows I love her, but I can't be near a man who has done & said what he has about my family. Especially my husband. If she forgives him for all of that, then that makes her the only one. My siblings keep the peace for her sake, but I can't even hide how much I hate him. I'm sorry mom and you know I love you.
My dad keeps trying to text & call. I said Happy Thanksgiving & let that be our conversation. I told myself that if I made the effort to keep in contact with him then he would come around & be the father figure that my siblings always needed, but no. My father only sees what he wants to see & no matter how hard I tried to introduce him to the children & grandchildren he's neglected for all these years, he still avoids contact. Sorry dad, I can't keep trying to build a bridge that you won't cross. It's there when you're ready to be a father to your kids & meet your grandchildren.
I feel somewhat selfish & petty saying these things but I've been doing nothing but thinking these thoughts for so long I don't know how else to feel. I'm always angry. I look at my belly & see my baby girl kick & think about what kind of parent I'm going to be. My mother, regardless of the decisions I don't agree with, has always been a humble person & the most thoughtful person I have ever met. My father, even though he has his issues, has always taught me to be strong & think of the bigger picture in everything you do. I'm grateful to be their child, but that doesn't mean all their parenting lessons will carry over to my child. I hate feeling like I shouldn't have said that, but I think these things everyday & never say them out loud. I hope to teach my children everything that I learned, but sorry to say not all of that came from my parents. I just hope & pray my daughter never picks up my bad habits or learns any of the lessons in life the way I did. I would do anything to protect my daughter from reality, but how do you do that without becoming overbearing?
This year for Thanksgiving, I made enough dinner for just my house & didn't go to my moms like I usually do every year. Last year, she spent Thanksgiving in Wendover with her husband whom I hate. This year, she decided to invite us all over & she actually cooked. It made me think, why on earth would you think I would forgive your husband & come over? I know it sounds horrible not to just let bygones be bygones for Thanksgiving, but I feel so much anger still for the way she left us all alone last year & then told me that just because I hate him, I have to learn to live with him because she chooses him. The fuck do I need to do that for? That man disrespected her children & my husband on numerous occasions & I'm supposed to spend a day of thanks with him? No. I'd rather not. She chose her husband and I choose mine. I spent all day cooking & cleaning & looked at my poor husband. He gave up everything to come here & be with me & on a day where you're supposed to be surrounded by the people you love we only have each other. I know that that's enough for me but I wonder if that's enough for him? My mother texted & asked again that I come with my husband. I ignored it. She knows I love her, but I can't be near a man who has done & said what he has about my family. Especially my husband. If she forgives him for all of that, then that makes her the only one. My siblings keep the peace for her sake, but I can't even hide how much I hate him. I'm sorry mom and you know I love you.
My dad keeps trying to text & call. I said Happy Thanksgiving & let that be our conversation. I told myself that if I made the effort to keep in contact with him then he would come around & be the father figure that my siblings always needed, but no. My father only sees what he wants to see & no matter how hard I tried to introduce him to the children & grandchildren he's neglected for all these years, he still avoids contact. Sorry dad, I can't keep trying to build a bridge that you won't cross. It's there when you're ready to be a father to your kids & meet your grandchildren.
I feel somewhat selfish & petty saying these things but I've been doing nothing but thinking these thoughts for so long I don't know how else to feel. I'm always angry. I look at my belly & see my baby girl kick & think about what kind of parent I'm going to be. My mother, regardless of the decisions I don't agree with, has always been a humble person & the most thoughtful person I have ever met. My father, even though he has his issues, has always taught me to be strong & think of the bigger picture in everything you do. I'm grateful to be their child, but that doesn't mean all their parenting lessons will carry over to my child. I hate feeling like I shouldn't have said that, but I think these things everyday & never say them out loud. I hope to teach my children everything that I learned, but sorry to say not all of that came from my parents. I just hope & pray my daughter never picks up my bad habits or learns any of the lessons in life the way I did. I would do anything to protect my daughter from reality, but how do you do that without becoming overbearing?
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
FEAR FACTOR.
Strange. The last few days I've been waking up & falling asleep paranoid that my life is a dream. I blame Alice in Wonderland.
I heard a song yesterday & broke down. The lyrics got to me so badly! "Walk a little straighter daddy, you're leading me." I haven't talked to my dad in a while. My dad has a bad habit of not taking responsibility for anything. Nothing is his fault. I heard that song & realized that all my life I've been a daddy's girl looking up to a man who could do no wrong & all the while blamed my mother for everything. The divorce, my dad's current "occupation," and of course the fact that I'm stuck with an ASSHOLE Stepdad. This song made me realize that my dad always had good intentions but his life is his own fault. He always blamed my mom. For everything. For that reason alone, so did I. I've never acted on that blame, but always felt it until now. My dad could've had a better life had he not run from his responsibilities as a father. Now, he spends his life blaming my mother for things he himself could have prevented. I looked at my husband and just cried. Having an epiphany wasn't as cool as I imagined it would be.
I've been seriously irritable lately. Living with my sister isn't as easy as I thought. If she didn't have these kids I'm not sure I could handle living with her. My husband babies me, thankfully, but I'm still so irritated. Sometimes I just want to have my own space & kick everyone out, but that wouldn't sit too well with my husband. My husband is bent on keeping the peace. Gotta love him.
My stepdads supposed to be leaving for Samoa soon. Asshole wants to take my baby brother away with him. I don't understand why my mom puts up with him. He doesn't provide, he only fixes up the house so he has bragging rights, he treats my little brother like a dog & he talks so much shit about my family & his own damn friends I can't imagine the man having a decent bone in his body. I put up with him for the longest because every time we got into it he would make my little brother stay away from me, but the moment he disrespected my husband he was dead to me. Now, he wants to make peace before he leaves, but the thought of being in his presence makes my skin crawl. I've never hated anyone as much as I hate him. I don't see my mom or siblings very often because of it. Sucks that there isn't a middle ground, but I refuse to befriend the man who disrespected my husband, called my sister a whore & told my mom she doesn't know how to raise children. He tells his friends that he wants to leave to Samoa to get away from us. The feelings so mutual, I'd chip in for the ticket if my mom asked. The only thing stronger than my hatred for that man is my respect for my mom.
I wish I could be more active. I want to get out & do things while I have the winter off, but I'm so lazy & I don't know where to go. Can't hang out at the mall, too broke. Can't go to the park, too cold for my niece. Can't go to a friends house, I don't have any friends nearby and I can't go to moms house & chill because asshole doesn't work so he's always home playing with his expensive ass drumset that my mother probably paid for. UGHHHH. I can't even go out to run errands because everything can be done online & by phone. Going for a walk would be nice but there are so many polys at my apartment complex that I'd be uncomfortable & turn right around. Pregnancy makes things even less doable. My poor husband has to suffer alongside me. Lol. I'm getting bored passing by the time until my bbygirl arrives.
I heard a song yesterday & broke down. The lyrics got to me so badly! "Walk a little straighter daddy, you're leading me." I haven't talked to my dad in a while. My dad has a bad habit of not taking responsibility for anything. Nothing is his fault. I heard that song & realized that all my life I've been a daddy's girl looking up to a man who could do no wrong & all the while blamed my mother for everything. The divorce, my dad's current "occupation," and of course the fact that I'm stuck with an ASSHOLE Stepdad. This song made me realize that my dad always had good intentions but his life is his own fault. He always blamed my mom. For everything. For that reason alone, so did I. I've never acted on that blame, but always felt it until now. My dad could've had a better life had he not run from his responsibilities as a father. Now, he spends his life blaming my mother for things he himself could have prevented. I looked at my husband and just cried. Having an epiphany wasn't as cool as I imagined it would be.
I've been seriously irritable lately. Living with my sister isn't as easy as I thought. If she didn't have these kids I'm not sure I could handle living with her. My husband babies me, thankfully, but I'm still so irritated. Sometimes I just want to have my own space & kick everyone out, but that wouldn't sit too well with my husband. My husband is bent on keeping the peace. Gotta love him.
My stepdads supposed to be leaving for Samoa soon. Asshole wants to take my baby brother away with him. I don't understand why my mom puts up with him. He doesn't provide, he only fixes up the house so he has bragging rights, he treats my little brother like a dog & he talks so much shit about my family & his own damn friends I can't imagine the man having a decent bone in his body. I put up with him for the longest because every time we got into it he would make my little brother stay away from me, but the moment he disrespected my husband he was dead to me. Now, he wants to make peace before he leaves, but the thought of being in his presence makes my skin crawl. I've never hated anyone as much as I hate him. I don't see my mom or siblings very often because of it. Sucks that there isn't a middle ground, but I refuse to befriend the man who disrespected my husband, called my sister a whore & told my mom she doesn't know how to raise children. He tells his friends that he wants to leave to Samoa to get away from us. The feelings so mutual, I'd chip in for the ticket if my mom asked. The only thing stronger than my hatred for that man is my respect for my mom.
I wish I could be more active. I want to get out & do things while I have the winter off, but I'm so lazy & I don't know where to go. Can't hang out at the mall, too broke. Can't go to the park, too cold for my niece. Can't go to a friends house, I don't have any friends nearby and I can't go to moms house & chill because asshole doesn't work so he's always home playing with his expensive ass drumset that my mother probably paid for. UGHHHH. I can't even go out to run errands because everything can be done online & by phone. Going for a walk would be nice but there are so many polys at my apartment complex that I'd be uncomfortable & turn right around. Pregnancy makes things even less doable. My poor husband has to suffer alongside me. Lol. I'm getting bored passing by the time until my bbygirl arrives.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
EM0TI0NALLY wrecked :/
Well well. I didn't expect to be so irrationally emotional during this pregnancy! I don't understand my feelings sometimes, I get frustrated during simple tasks and I feel like everyone is out to piss me off all the time. I love feeling this baby move inside me but I can't stand the out of place hormones I'm dealing with. I don't know if it's the pregnancy or just me but I could seriously use a chill pill. ARRRGGGGHHH.
I had a dream the other night that he left me. This wouldn't be so alarming unless you consider the fact that EVERY dream i have comes true in some way. My first still birth with my son, I had a dream that my mom was holding a baby that she lifted up into her arms from a coffin. I didn't know the baby or why she was holding him moments before he was to be buried but she cried & she held him out to me to say my goodbyes. 3 weeks after that, I gave birth. Everyone in the room during birth was crying, except my beautiful baby boy. I never got the privilege of looking at him looking back at me.
A while later, I had a dream that I caught my husband, then boyfriend, having late night convo's with some other female. Just after we got married a few months later I found out that during my pregnancy he was talking to other girls. If that's not enough, last winter I was pregnant again & had a weird dream that I was in a nursery at some hospital & they took my baby out of the womb to check on her. They never put the baby back before I woke up & just days before Christmas Eve, I had a miscarriage & had to have a DNC performed.
I don't know why only the worst of my dreams come true, but they do. It's only a matter of time before something happens & my husband and I end it. Call me pessimistic, but people can only take so much. I don't know why I anticipate it without more reason than a dream, but it's always best to hope for the best & prepare for the worst.
I'm ready for this baby to be here. I want her out of my belly & into my arms. Just as I wrote that, she kicked. It's the weirdest thing, loving someone you haven't met yet. I over-analyze everything, or so I'm told. But why is it OVER analyzing when you let bad things happen more than once & stay paranoid in the aftermath? I'm so afraid to plan my entire future around this child only to lose her & be lost again. I don't think I could take it. I went by my grandma's house the other day & she saw the baby clothes I had & she started throwing those thoughts out there. I had been so positive & faithful to the idea of having this baby & then, she had to fill my heart with doubts. Told me that somethings wrong with me & that's why I don't have kids yet so don't do anything until I give birth. I had been positive & hopeful until that day. Now, I feel doubts. No, more like fear. Fear that I will never know my kids. 4 beautiful souls that were sent to me only to have 3 of them kept from ever being introduced to my life. Maybe my grandma's right, maybe somethings wrong with me.
My husband thinks I use the pregnancy as an excuse to fight. I don't doubt it. It's hard to tell whether or not I'm just being a colossal bitch or if my emotions are taking me for a spin. I could just as easily blame both on my emotional state but I don't think I can honestly decipher the difference. Sometimes I feel like I'm punishing him. I don't know what for. Other times, like he's punishing me. The wonderful world of marriage wasn't the Disney dream I imagined. Typical marital arguments, but sometimes I miss being able to take my space. Being able to kick him out so I have time to think & figure out what just happened. I feel... suffocated sometimes. The thought the baby will be here to teach me of better things than what I know now is so liberating. The idea that just as much as I need her, she needs me too is more than enough to keep me going day by day but just like when my life was in pieces, I suddenly feel the anger & rebellion in me resurfacing. As if to tell me that I can't change. I will always be a difficult, needy and unfeeling person. Dangerous thoughts, I don't know how to feel.
I had a dream the other night that he left me. This wouldn't be so alarming unless you consider the fact that EVERY dream i have comes true in some way. My first still birth with my son, I had a dream that my mom was holding a baby that she lifted up into her arms from a coffin. I didn't know the baby or why she was holding him moments before he was to be buried but she cried & she held him out to me to say my goodbyes. 3 weeks after that, I gave birth. Everyone in the room during birth was crying, except my beautiful baby boy. I never got the privilege of looking at him looking back at me.
A while later, I had a dream that I caught my husband, then boyfriend, having late night convo's with some other female. Just after we got married a few months later I found out that during my pregnancy he was talking to other girls. If that's not enough, last winter I was pregnant again & had a weird dream that I was in a nursery at some hospital & they took my baby out of the womb to check on her. They never put the baby back before I woke up & just days before Christmas Eve, I had a miscarriage & had to have a DNC performed.
I don't know why only the worst of my dreams come true, but they do. It's only a matter of time before something happens & my husband and I end it. Call me pessimistic, but people can only take so much. I don't know why I anticipate it without more reason than a dream, but it's always best to hope for the best & prepare for the worst.
I'm ready for this baby to be here. I want her out of my belly & into my arms. Just as I wrote that, she kicked. It's the weirdest thing, loving someone you haven't met yet. I over-analyze everything, or so I'm told. But why is it OVER analyzing when you let bad things happen more than once & stay paranoid in the aftermath? I'm so afraid to plan my entire future around this child only to lose her & be lost again. I don't think I could take it. I went by my grandma's house the other day & she saw the baby clothes I had & she started throwing those thoughts out there. I had been so positive & faithful to the idea of having this baby & then, she had to fill my heart with doubts. Told me that somethings wrong with me & that's why I don't have kids yet so don't do anything until I give birth. I had been positive & hopeful until that day. Now, I feel doubts. No, more like fear. Fear that I will never know my kids. 4 beautiful souls that were sent to me only to have 3 of them kept from ever being introduced to my life. Maybe my grandma's right, maybe somethings wrong with me.
My husband thinks I use the pregnancy as an excuse to fight. I don't doubt it. It's hard to tell whether or not I'm just being a colossal bitch or if my emotions are taking me for a spin. I could just as easily blame both on my emotional state but I don't think I can honestly decipher the difference. Sometimes I feel like I'm punishing him. I don't know what for. Other times, like he's punishing me. The wonderful world of marriage wasn't the Disney dream I imagined. Typical marital arguments, but sometimes I miss being able to take my space. Being able to kick him out so I have time to think & figure out what just happened. I feel... suffocated sometimes. The thought the baby will be here to teach me of better things than what I know now is so liberating. The idea that just as much as I need her, she needs me too is more than enough to keep me going day by day but just like when my life was in pieces, I suddenly feel the anger & rebellion in me resurfacing. As if to tell me that I can't change. I will always be a difficult, needy and unfeeling person. Dangerous thoughts, I don't know how to feel.
Monday, October 11, 2010
I'm CRAZY. but in a simple way...
I think this is my 3rd time starting this first entry. I don't want to talk about my past so I guess I'll start with the present. My name is Nelisa, I'm married to the best husband in the world, Junior Tapafua. I come from a family of 7 siblings and I'm 2nd in command with my brother Tevita at #1, Lesieli at #3, Vika at #4, Lile is #5, Lea Si'i coming in at #6 & the baby of the family is mister TJ. My husband is the eldest of his clan with 3 younger sisters to follow. I'm currently expecting a bbyGirl and this is my 4th pregnancy so I pray it is my first SUCCESSFUL pregnancy. I am a very complicated, but simple, person.
Today, I read a blog on someones page & decided to give it a try. If you're not into annoying, unfinished thoughts that rarely make sense, then I suggest you click the 'X' at the top right corner of your screen. My life is boring. I work, I eat & I sleep. It wasn't always so simple, but I do all those things with my other half at my side so I don't find the need to make it any more exciting. On the weekends, I clean, cook, shop or lay around for hours because I'm lazy. My job is stressful in the spring & fall months because I work for a lawn care company and it's only seasonal. I work as a sales auditor but recently, more than that job description has been delegated to me so I also do customer service, accounts receivable, data entry & sometimes production. I have no "close" friends to speak of because I'm not so good at keeping in touch with people. Sadly, there are few I bother to keep in touch with that aren't family. But I find life easier to coast through without friends, for some reason they seem to complicate my life and I like my life boring and predictable.
Reading what I just wrote makes me feel like I've just given the impression that I'm stuck up and anti-social. Trust me, I'm not stuck up. I guess I'm just tired of the constant maintenance it takes to be the outgoing, fun and fancy-free person that most people like to be around. I'm the, if you don't know me yet, you probably won't get the chance to, type of person. Not because I'm a bitch, but because getting to know me takes time. Time that neither I, nor you, probably have nowadays. Don't get me wrong, I can be fun when I want. I just don't always want to be. I keep to myself and hope to hell that you could care less if I do.
Anyways, I've been shopping online for hours. I didn't know Ed Hardy made baby clothes! Discovery of my night! I have been searching for ideas to make my room more baby-friendly. Right now it's just my king-size mattresses on the floor, a lamp & a plastic drawer set I got from Wal-mart. I want a new diaper changing table where I can keep all the baby bathing stuff, diapers & wipes and grooming products. I started looking at an armoire that I can add another clothing rack to since it'll be all baby clothes & I need a rocking chair because I intend to breast feed. I wonder how long you're supposed to breast-feed. My co-workers told me about a lady that breastfed her son until he was near 7. What kind of shit is that? Is it really necessary to keep kids on breast milk that long? They told me how she brought him to work with her one day & he straight climbed on top of her lap while she was talking, pulled her shirt over his head and started drinking while she never broke a sentence. Awkward! To each his own I guess. Do you think the skills & instincts it takes to be a mother just come naturally? Or do they have to be learned & developed? I've seen women that instantly transform from woman to mother like it was always there, just waiting to be needed. And then I've seen women where it seems as though they learned their parenting skills off of a Jerry Springer episode. I guess that kind of answers my question but then I still wonder what that means for me. Because this isn't my first pregnancy do I already have those skills? Or do I still need to have a baby physically here for me to know how to care for one? Maybe I should google it.
Tonight was supposed to be movie night. I don't know why we keep going to Blockbuster when we have netflix but we do. Now, my husband broke his leg a while ago & got laid off so I've been working & trying to keep up with these bills. I make enough to take care of us but for some reason, it seems like when all the bills are paid & you think you have money left to spend, you have new bills that you didn't know needed to be paid! During all my pregnancies I've been on MedicAid so I had NO IDEA pregnancy was this expensive! On top of my picky eating habits, I've got Dr co-pay & prenatals to buy. I've got an insurance deductible twice the cost of my rent & I have to buy clothes that fit every time I break a button! I'm not sure where I was going with this thought, but back to movie night. He sold his PC tower today & when I asked if we could get TruBlood Season 2, he freaks out & tells me that money was for his credit card payment. Seeing as it was my intention to pay for the movie with my debit card, I took that up the butt & wigged out. I spent the last month paying off the loan he took out to send money to his family in CA, I made a $50 pmnt on his last credit card statement, I had to pay the rent, the phone, the utilities and the car insurance with just what I make & it seriously PISSED me off that he was about to flip out over a couple of bucks for a Blockbuster movie. Hmmmmm, was I overreacting? Maybe. But the stress of pregnancy, finances & work kind of put me in the kind of mood to freak out fairly easily. Are men seriously THAT oblivious to the emotional rollercoaster that comes with pregnancy? Anyways, I freak out after he says that and he says that I'M the one with issues. True as that may be, that whole scene was Y0UR fault! Don't men get it? It's THEIR fault! Regardless of what happened. Haha.
Ok, so I've talked about nothing. Sorry blog. But this nonsense makes sense to me! Maybe I'm just crazy. But right now, I'm tired. Until next time!
Today, I read a blog on someones page & decided to give it a try. If you're not into annoying, unfinished thoughts that rarely make sense, then I suggest you click the 'X' at the top right corner of your screen. My life is boring. I work, I eat & I sleep. It wasn't always so simple, but I do all those things with my other half at my side so I don't find the need to make it any more exciting. On the weekends, I clean, cook, shop or lay around for hours because I'm lazy. My job is stressful in the spring & fall months because I work for a lawn care company and it's only seasonal. I work as a sales auditor but recently, more than that job description has been delegated to me so I also do customer service, accounts receivable, data entry & sometimes production. I have no "close" friends to speak of because I'm not so good at keeping in touch with people. Sadly, there are few I bother to keep in touch with that aren't family. But I find life easier to coast through without friends, for some reason they seem to complicate my life and I like my life boring and predictable.
Reading what I just wrote makes me feel like I've just given the impression that I'm stuck up and anti-social. Trust me, I'm not stuck up. I guess I'm just tired of the constant maintenance it takes to be the outgoing, fun and fancy-free person that most people like to be around. I'm the, if you don't know me yet, you probably won't get the chance to, type of person. Not because I'm a bitch, but because getting to know me takes time. Time that neither I, nor you, probably have nowadays. Don't get me wrong, I can be fun when I want. I just don't always want to be. I keep to myself and hope to hell that you could care less if I do.
Anyways, I've been shopping online for hours. I didn't know Ed Hardy made baby clothes! Discovery of my night! I have been searching for ideas to make my room more baby-friendly. Right now it's just my king-size mattresses on the floor, a lamp & a plastic drawer set I got from Wal-mart. I want a new diaper changing table where I can keep all the baby bathing stuff, diapers & wipes and grooming products. I started looking at an armoire that I can add another clothing rack to since it'll be all baby clothes & I need a rocking chair because I intend to breast feed. I wonder how long you're supposed to breast-feed. My co-workers told me about a lady that breastfed her son until he was near 7. What kind of shit is that? Is it really necessary to keep kids on breast milk that long? They told me how she brought him to work with her one day & he straight climbed on top of her lap while she was talking, pulled her shirt over his head and started drinking while she never broke a sentence. Awkward! To each his own I guess. Do you think the skills & instincts it takes to be a mother just come naturally? Or do they have to be learned & developed? I've seen women that instantly transform from woman to mother like it was always there, just waiting to be needed. And then I've seen women where it seems as though they learned their parenting skills off of a Jerry Springer episode. I guess that kind of answers my question but then I still wonder what that means for me. Because this isn't my first pregnancy do I already have those skills? Or do I still need to have a baby physically here for me to know how to care for one? Maybe I should google it.
Tonight was supposed to be movie night. I don't know why we keep going to Blockbuster when we have netflix but we do. Now, my husband broke his leg a while ago & got laid off so I've been working & trying to keep up with these bills. I make enough to take care of us but for some reason, it seems like when all the bills are paid & you think you have money left to spend, you have new bills that you didn't know needed to be paid! During all my pregnancies I've been on MedicAid so I had NO IDEA pregnancy was this expensive! On top of my picky eating habits, I've got Dr co-pay & prenatals to buy. I've got an insurance deductible twice the cost of my rent & I have to buy clothes that fit every time I break a button! I'm not sure where I was going with this thought, but back to movie night. He sold his PC tower today & when I asked if we could get TruBlood Season 2, he freaks out & tells me that money was for his credit card payment. Seeing as it was my intention to pay for the movie with my debit card, I took that up the butt & wigged out. I spent the last month paying off the loan he took out to send money to his family in CA, I made a $50 pmnt on his last credit card statement, I had to pay the rent, the phone, the utilities and the car insurance with just what I make & it seriously PISSED me off that he was about to flip out over a couple of bucks for a Blockbuster movie. Hmmmmm, was I overreacting? Maybe. But the stress of pregnancy, finances & work kind of put me in the kind of mood to freak out fairly easily. Are men seriously THAT oblivious to the emotional rollercoaster that comes with pregnancy? Anyways, I freak out after he says that and he says that I'M the one with issues. True as that may be, that whole scene was Y0UR fault! Don't men get it? It's THEIR fault! Regardless of what happened. Haha.
Ok, so I've talked about nothing. Sorry blog. But this nonsense makes sense to me! Maybe I'm just crazy. But right now, I'm tired. Until next time!
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