FEAR FACTOR.

Strange. The last few days I've been waking up & falling asleep paranoid that my life is a dream. I blame Alice in Wonderland.

I heard a song yesterday & broke down. The lyrics got to me so badly! "Walk a little straighter daddy, you're leading me." I haven't talked to my dad in a while. My dad has a bad habit of not taking responsibility for anything. Nothing is his fault. I heard that song & realized that all my life I've been a daddy's girl looking up to a man who could do no wrong & all the while blamed my mother for everything. The divorce, my dad's current "occupation," and of course the fact that I'm stuck with an ASSHOLE Stepdad. This song made me realize that my dad always had good intentions but his life is his own fault. He always blamed my mom. For everything. For that reason alone, so did I. I've never acted on that blame, but always felt it until now. My dad could've had a better life had he not run from his responsibilities as a father. Now, he spends his life blaming my mother for things he himself could have prevented. I looked at my husband and just cried. Having an epiphany wasn't as cool as I imagined it would be.

I've been seriously irritable lately. Living with my sister isn't as easy as I thought. If she didn't have these kids I'm not sure I could handle living with her. My husband babies me, thankfully, but I'm still so irritated. Sometimes I just want to have my own space & kick everyone out, but that wouldn't sit too well with my husband. My husband is bent on keeping the peace. Gotta love him.

My stepdads supposed to be leaving for Samoa soon. Asshole wants to take my baby brother away with him. I don't understand why my mom puts up with him. He doesn't provide, he only fixes up the house so he has bragging rights, he treats my little brother like a dog & he talks so much shit about my family & his own damn friends I can't imagine the man having a decent bone in his body. I put up with him for the longest because every time we got into it he would make my little brother stay away from me, but the moment he disrespected my husband he was dead to me. Now, he wants to make peace before he leaves, but the thought of being in his presence makes my skin crawl. I've never hated anyone as much as I hate him. I don't see my mom or siblings very often because of it. Sucks that there isn't a middle ground, but I refuse to befriend the man who disrespected my husband, called my sister a whore & told my mom she doesn't know how to raise children. He tells his friends that he wants to leave to Samoa to get away from us. The feelings so mutual, I'd chip in for the ticket if my mom asked. The only thing stronger than my hatred for that man is my respect for my mom.

I wish I could be more active. I want to get out & do things while I have the winter off, but I'm so lazy & I don't know where to go. Can't hang out at the mall, too broke. Can't go to the park, too cold for my niece. Can't go to a friends house, I don't have any friends nearby and I can't go to moms house & chill because asshole doesn't work so he's always home playing with his expensive ass drumset that my mother probably paid for. UGHHHH. I can't even go out to run errands because everything can be done online & by phone. Going for a walk would be nice but there are so many polys at my apartment complex that I'd be uncomfortable & turn right around. Pregnancy makes things even less doable. My poor husband has to suffer alongside me. Lol. I'm getting bored passing by the time until my bbygirl arrives.