troubled waters.

Today I imagined what life would be like if I had my son with me. Would I be a good mom? Would he love me as much as I love him?

This year for Thanksgiving, I made enough dinner for just my house & didn't go to my moms like I usually do every year. Last year, she spent Thanksgiving in Wendover with her husband whom I hate. This year, she decided to invite us all over & she actually cooked. It made me think, why on earth would you think I would forgive your husband & come over? I know it sounds horrible not to just let bygones be bygones for Thanksgiving, but I feel so much anger still for the way she left us all alone last year & then told me that just because I hate him, I have to learn to live with him because she chooses him. The fuck do I need to do that for? That man disrespected her children & my husband on numerous occasions & I'm supposed to spend a day of thanks with him? No. I'd rather not. She chose her husband and I choose mine. I spent all day cooking & cleaning & looked at my poor husband. He gave up everything to come here & be with me & on a day where you're supposed to be surrounded by the people you love we only have each other. I know that that's enough for me but I wonder if that's enough for him? My mother texted & asked again that I come with my husband. I ignored it. She knows I love her, but I can't be near a man who has done & said what he has about my family. Especially my husband. If she forgives him for all of that, then that makes her the only one. My siblings keep the peace for her sake, but I can't even hide how much I hate him. I'm sorry mom and you know I love you.

My dad keeps trying to text & call. I said Happy Thanksgiving & let that be our conversation. I told myself that if I made the effort to keep in contact with him then he would come around & be the father figure that my siblings always needed, but no. My father only sees what he wants to see & no matter how hard I tried to introduce him to the children & grandchildren he's neglected for all these years, he still avoids contact. Sorry dad, I can't keep trying to build a bridge that you won't cross. It's there when you're ready to be a father to your kids & meet your grandchildren.

I feel somewhat selfish & petty saying these things but I've been doing nothing but thinking these thoughts for so long I don't know how else to feel. I'm always angry. I look at my belly & see my baby girl kick & think about what kind of parent I'm going to be. My mother, regardless of the decisions I don't agree with, has always been a humble person & the most thoughtful person I have ever met. My father, even though he has his issues, has always taught me to be strong & think of the bigger picture in everything you do. I'm grateful to be their child, but that doesn't mean all their parenting lessons will carry over to my child. I hate feeling like I shouldn't have said that, but I think these things everyday & never say them out loud. I hope to teach my children everything that I learned, but sorry to say not all of that came from my parents. I just hope & pray my daughter never picks up my bad habits or learns any of the lessons in life the way I did. I would do anything to protect my daughter from reality, but how do you do that without becoming overbearing?