EM0TI0NALLY wrecked :/

Well well. I didn't expect to be so irrationally emotional during this pregnancy! I don't understand my feelings sometimes, I get frustrated during simple tasks and I feel like everyone is out to piss me off all the time. I love feeling this baby move inside me but I can't stand the out of place hormones I'm dealing with. I don't know if it's the pregnancy or just me but I could seriously use a chill pill. ARRRGGGGHHH.

I had a dream the other night that he left me. This wouldn't be so alarming unless you consider the fact that EVERY dream i have comes true in some way. My first still birth with my son, I had a dream that my mom was holding a baby that she lifted up into her arms from a coffin. I didn't know the baby or why she was holding him moments before he was to be buried but she cried & she held him out to me to say my goodbyes. 3 weeks after that, I gave birth. Everyone in the room during birth was crying, except my beautiful baby boy. I never got the privilege of looking at him looking back at me.

A while later, I had a dream that I caught my husband, then boyfriend, having late night convo's with some other female. Just after we got married a few months later I found out that during my pregnancy he was talking to other girls. If that's not enough, last winter I was pregnant again & had a weird dream that I was in a nursery at some hospital & they took my baby out of the womb to check on her. They never put the baby back before I woke up & just days before Christmas Eve, I had a miscarriage & had to have a DNC performed.

I don't know why only the worst of my dreams come true, but they do. It's only a matter of time before something happens & my husband and I end it. Call me pessimistic, but people can only take so much. I don't know why I anticipate it without more reason than a dream, but it's always best to hope for the best & prepare for the worst.

I'm ready for this baby to be here. I want her out of my belly & into my arms. Just as I wrote that, she kicked. It's the weirdest thing, loving someone you haven't met yet. I over-analyze everything, or so I'm told. But why is it OVER analyzing when you let bad things happen more than once & stay paranoid in the aftermath? I'm so afraid to plan my entire future around this child only to lose her & be lost again. I don't think I could take it. I went by my grandma's house the other day & she saw the baby clothes I had & she started throwing those thoughts out there. I had been so positive & faithful to the idea of having this baby & then, she had to fill my heart with doubts. Told me that somethings wrong with me & that's why I don't have kids yet so don't do anything until I give birth. I had been positive & hopeful until that day. Now, I feel doubts. No, more like fear. Fear that I will never know my kids. 4 beautiful souls that were sent to me only to have 3 of them kept from ever being introduced to my life. Maybe my grandma's right, maybe somethings wrong with me.

My husband thinks I use the pregnancy as an excuse to fight. I don't doubt it. It's hard to tell whether or not I'm just being a colossal bitch or if my emotions are taking me for a spin. I could just as easily blame both on my emotional state but I don't think I can honestly decipher the difference. Sometimes I feel like I'm punishing him. I don't know what for. Other times, like he's punishing me. The wonderful world of marriage wasn't the Disney dream I imagined. Typical marital arguments, but sometimes I miss being able to take my space. Being able to kick him out so I have time to think & figure out what just happened. I feel... suffocated sometimes. The thought the baby will be here to teach me of better things than what I know now is so liberating. The idea that just as much as I need her, she needs me too is more than enough to keep me going day by day but just like when my life was in pieces, I suddenly feel the anger & rebellion in me resurfacing. As if to tell me that I can't change. I will always be a difficult, needy and unfeeling person. Dangerous thoughts, I don't know how to feel.