troubled waters.

Today I imagined what life would be like if I had my son with me. Would I be a good mom? Would he love me as much as I love him?

This year for Thanksgiving, I made enough dinner for just my house & didn't go to my moms like I usually do every year. Last year, she spent Thanksgiving in Wendover with her husband whom I hate. This year, she decided to invite us all over & she actually cooked. It made me think, why on earth would you think I would forgive your husband & come over? I know it sounds horrible not to just let bygones be bygones for Thanksgiving, but I feel so much anger still for the way she left us all alone last year & then told me that just because I hate him, I have to learn to live with him because she chooses him. The fuck do I need to do that for? That man disrespected her children & my husband on numerous occasions & I'm supposed to spend a day of thanks with him? No. I'd rather not. She chose her husband and I choose mine. I spent all day cooking & cleaning & looked at my poor husband. He gave up everything to come here & be with me & on a day where you're supposed to be surrounded by the people you love we only have each other. I know that that's enough for me but I wonder if that's enough for him? My mother texted & asked again that I come with my husband. I ignored it. She knows I love her, but I can't be near a man who has done & said what he has about my family. Especially my husband. If she forgives him for all of that, then that makes her the only one. My siblings keep the peace for her sake, but I can't even hide how much I hate him. I'm sorry mom and you know I love you.

My dad keeps trying to text & call. I said Happy Thanksgiving & let that be our conversation. I told myself that if I made the effort to keep in contact with him then he would come around & be the father figure that my siblings always needed, but no. My father only sees what he wants to see & no matter how hard I tried to introduce him to the children & grandchildren he's neglected for all these years, he still avoids contact. Sorry dad, I can't keep trying to build a bridge that you won't cross. It's there when you're ready to be a father to your kids & meet your grandchildren.

I feel somewhat selfish & petty saying these things but I've been doing nothing but thinking these thoughts for so long I don't know how else to feel. I'm always angry. I look at my belly & see my baby girl kick & think about what kind of parent I'm going to be. My mother, regardless of the decisions I don't agree with, has always been a humble person & the most thoughtful person I have ever met. My father, even though he has his issues, has always taught me to be strong & think of the bigger picture in everything you do. I'm grateful to be their child, but that doesn't mean all their parenting lessons will carry over to my child. I hate feeling like I shouldn't have said that, but I think these things everyday & never say them out loud. I hope to teach my children everything that I learned, but sorry to say not all of that came from my parents. I just hope & pray my daughter never picks up my bad habits or learns any of the lessons in life the way I did. I would do anything to protect my daughter from reality, but how do you do that without becoming overbearing?

FEAR FACTOR.

Strange. The last few days I've been waking up & falling asleep paranoid that my life is a dream. I blame Alice in Wonderland.

I heard a song yesterday & broke down. The lyrics got to me so badly! "Walk a little straighter daddy, you're leading me." I haven't talked to my dad in a while. My dad has a bad habit of not taking responsibility for anything. Nothing is his fault. I heard that song & realized that all my life I've been a daddy's girl looking up to a man who could do no wrong & all the while blamed my mother for everything. The divorce, my dad's current "occupation," and of course the fact that I'm stuck with an ASSHOLE Stepdad. This song made me realize that my dad always had good intentions but his life is his own fault. He always blamed my mom. For everything. For that reason alone, so did I. I've never acted on that blame, but always felt it until now. My dad could've had a better life had he not run from his responsibilities as a father. Now, he spends his life blaming my mother for things he himself could have prevented. I looked at my husband and just cried. Having an epiphany wasn't as cool as I imagined it would be.

I've been seriously irritable lately. Living with my sister isn't as easy as I thought. If she didn't have these kids I'm not sure I could handle living with her. My husband babies me, thankfully, but I'm still so irritated. Sometimes I just want to have my own space & kick everyone out, but that wouldn't sit too well with my husband. My husband is bent on keeping the peace. Gotta love him.

My stepdads supposed to be leaving for Samoa soon. Asshole wants to take my baby brother away with him. I don't understand why my mom puts up with him. He doesn't provide, he only fixes up the house so he has bragging rights, he treats my little brother like a dog & he talks so much shit about my family & his own damn friends I can't imagine the man having a decent bone in his body. I put up with him for the longest because every time we got into it he would make my little brother stay away from me, but the moment he disrespected my husband he was dead to me. Now, he wants to make peace before he leaves, but the thought of being in his presence makes my skin crawl. I've never hated anyone as much as I hate him. I don't see my mom or siblings very often because of it. Sucks that there isn't a middle ground, but I refuse to befriend the man who disrespected my husband, called my sister a whore & told my mom she doesn't know how to raise children. He tells his friends that he wants to leave to Samoa to get away from us. The feelings so mutual, I'd chip in for the ticket if my mom asked. The only thing stronger than my hatred for that man is my respect for my mom.

I wish I could be more active. I want to get out & do things while I have the winter off, but I'm so lazy & I don't know where to go. Can't hang out at the mall, too broke. Can't go to the park, too cold for my niece. Can't go to a friends house, I don't have any friends nearby and I can't go to moms house & chill because asshole doesn't work so he's always home playing with his expensive ass drumset that my mother probably paid for. UGHHHH. I can't even go out to run errands because everything can be done online & by phone. Going for a walk would be nice but there are so many polys at my apartment complex that I'd be uncomfortable & turn right around. Pregnancy makes things even less doable. My poor husband has to suffer alongside me. Lol. I'm getting bored passing by the time until my bbygirl arrives.