Well well. I didn't expect to be so irrationally emotional during this pregnancy! I don't understand my feelings sometimes, I get frustrated during simple tasks and I feel like everyone is out to piss me off all the time. I love feeling this baby move inside me but I can't stand the out of place hormones I'm dealing with. I don't know if it's the pregnancy or just me but I could seriously use a chill pill. ARRRGGGGHHH.
I had a dream the other night that he left me. This wouldn't be so alarming unless you consider the fact that EVERY dream i have comes true in some way. My first still birth with my son, I had a dream that my mom was holding a baby that she lifted up into her arms from a coffin. I didn't know the baby or why she was holding him moments before he was to be buried but she cried & she held him out to me to say my goodbyes. 3 weeks after that, I gave birth. Everyone in the room during birth was crying, except my beautiful baby boy. I never got the privilege of looking at him looking back at me.
A while later, I had a dream that I caught my husband, then boyfriend, having late night convo's with some other female. Just after we got married a few months later I found out that during my pregnancy he was talking to other girls. If that's not enough, last winter I was pregnant again & had a weird dream that I was in a nursery at some hospital & they took my baby out of the womb to check on her. They never put the baby back before I woke up & just days before Christmas Eve, I had a miscarriage & had to have a DNC performed.
I don't know why only the worst of my dreams come true, but they do. It's only a matter of time before something happens & my husband and I end it. Call me pessimistic, but people can only take so much. I don't know why I anticipate it without more reason than a dream, but it's always best to hope for the best & prepare for the worst.
I'm ready for this baby to be here. I want her out of my belly & into my arms. Just as I wrote that, she kicked. It's the weirdest thing, loving someone you haven't met yet. I over-analyze everything, or so I'm told. But why is it OVER analyzing when you let bad things happen more than once & stay paranoid in the aftermath? I'm so afraid to plan my entire future around this child only to lose her & be lost again. I don't think I could take it. I went by my grandma's house the other day & she saw the baby clothes I had & she started throwing those thoughts out there. I had been so positive & faithful to the idea of having this baby & then, she had to fill my heart with doubts. Told me that somethings wrong with me & that's why I don't have kids yet so don't do anything until I give birth. I had been positive & hopeful until that day. Now, I feel doubts. No, more like fear. Fear that I will never know my kids. 4 beautiful souls that were sent to me only to have 3 of them kept from ever being introduced to my life. Maybe my grandma's right, maybe somethings wrong with me.
My husband thinks I use the pregnancy as an excuse to fight. I don't doubt it. It's hard to tell whether or not I'm just being a colossal bitch or if my emotions are taking me for a spin. I could just as easily blame both on my emotional state but I don't think I can honestly decipher the difference. Sometimes I feel like I'm punishing him. I don't know what for. Other times, like he's punishing me. The wonderful world of marriage wasn't the Disney dream I imagined. Typical marital arguments, but sometimes I miss being able to take my space. Being able to kick him out so I have time to think & figure out what just happened. I feel... suffocated sometimes. The thought the baby will be here to teach me of better things than what I know now is so liberating. The idea that just as much as I need her, she needs me too is more than enough to keep me going day by day but just like when my life was in pieces, I suddenly feel the anger & rebellion in me resurfacing. As if to tell me that I can't change. I will always be a difficult, needy and unfeeling person. Dangerous thoughts, I don't know how to feel.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
I'm CRAZY. but in a simple way...
I think this is my 3rd time starting this first entry. I don't want to talk about my past so I guess I'll start with the present. My name is Nelisa, I'm married to the best husband in the world, Junior Tapafua. I come from a family of 7 siblings and I'm 2nd in command with my brother Tevita at #1, Lesieli at #3, Vika at #4, Lile is #5, Lea Si'i coming in at #6 & the baby of the family is mister TJ. My husband is the eldest of his clan with 3 younger sisters to follow. I'm currently expecting a bbyGirl and this is my 4th pregnancy so I pray it is my first SUCCESSFUL pregnancy. I am a very complicated, but simple, person.
Today, I read a blog on someones page & decided to give it a try. If you're not into annoying, unfinished thoughts that rarely make sense, then I suggest you click the 'X' at the top right corner of your screen. My life is boring. I work, I eat & I sleep. It wasn't always so simple, but I do all those things with my other half at my side so I don't find the need to make it any more exciting. On the weekends, I clean, cook, shop or lay around for hours because I'm lazy. My job is stressful in the spring & fall months because I work for a lawn care company and it's only seasonal. I work as a sales auditor but recently, more than that job description has been delegated to me so I also do customer service, accounts receivable, data entry & sometimes production. I have no "close" friends to speak of because I'm not so good at keeping in touch with people. Sadly, there are few I bother to keep in touch with that aren't family. But I find life easier to coast through without friends, for some reason they seem to complicate my life and I like my life boring and predictable.
Reading what I just wrote makes me feel like I've just given the impression that I'm stuck up and anti-social. Trust me, I'm not stuck up. I guess I'm just tired of the constant maintenance it takes to be the outgoing, fun and fancy-free person that most people like to be around. I'm the, if you don't know me yet, you probably won't get the chance to, type of person. Not because I'm a bitch, but because getting to know me takes time. Time that neither I, nor you, probably have nowadays. Don't get me wrong, I can be fun when I want. I just don't always want to be. I keep to myself and hope to hell that you could care less if I do.
Anyways, I've been shopping online for hours. I didn't know Ed Hardy made baby clothes! Discovery of my night! I have been searching for ideas to make my room more baby-friendly. Right now it's just my king-size mattresses on the floor, a lamp & a plastic drawer set I got from Wal-mart. I want a new diaper changing table where I can keep all the baby bathing stuff, diapers & wipes and grooming products. I started looking at an armoire that I can add another clothing rack to since it'll be all baby clothes & I need a rocking chair because I intend to breast feed. I wonder how long you're supposed to breast-feed. My co-workers told me about a lady that breastfed her son until he was near 7. What kind of shit is that? Is it really necessary to keep kids on breast milk that long? They told me how she brought him to work with her one day & he straight climbed on top of her lap while she was talking, pulled her shirt over his head and started drinking while she never broke a sentence. Awkward! To each his own I guess. Do you think the skills & instincts it takes to be a mother just come naturally? Or do they have to be learned & developed? I've seen women that instantly transform from woman to mother like it was always there, just waiting to be needed. And then I've seen women where it seems as though they learned their parenting skills off of a Jerry Springer episode. I guess that kind of answers my question but then I still wonder what that means for me. Because this isn't my first pregnancy do I already have those skills? Or do I still need to have a baby physically here for me to know how to care for one? Maybe I should google it.
Tonight was supposed to be movie night. I don't know why we keep going to Blockbuster when we have netflix but we do. Now, my husband broke his leg a while ago & got laid off so I've been working & trying to keep up with these bills. I make enough to take care of us but for some reason, it seems like when all the bills are paid & you think you have money left to spend, you have new bills that you didn't know needed to be paid! During all my pregnancies I've been on MedicAid so I had NO IDEA pregnancy was this expensive! On top of my picky eating habits, I've got Dr co-pay & prenatals to buy. I've got an insurance deductible twice the cost of my rent & I have to buy clothes that fit every time I break a button! I'm not sure where I was going with this thought, but back to movie night. He sold his PC tower today & when I asked if we could get TruBlood Season 2, he freaks out & tells me that money was for his credit card payment. Seeing as it was my intention to pay for the movie with my debit card, I took that up the butt & wigged out. I spent the last month paying off the loan he took out to send money to his family in CA, I made a $50 pmnt on his last credit card statement, I had to pay the rent, the phone, the utilities and the car insurance with just what I make & it seriously PISSED me off that he was about to flip out over a couple of bucks for a Blockbuster movie. Hmmmmm, was I overreacting? Maybe. But the stress of pregnancy, finances & work kind of put me in the kind of mood to freak out fairly easily. Are men seriously THAT oblivious to the emotional rollercoaster that comes with pregnancy? Anyways, I freak out after he says that and he says that I'M the one with issues. True as that may be, that whole scene was Y0UR fault! Don't men get it? It's THEIR fault! Regardless of what happened. Haha.
Ok, so I've talked about nothing. Sorry blog. But this nonsense makes sense to me! Maybe I'm just crazy. But right now, I'm tired. Until next time!
Today, I read a blog on someones page & decided to give it a try. If you're not into annoying, unfinished thoughts that rarely make sense, then I suggest you click the 'X' at the top right corner of your screen. My life is boring. I work, I eat & I sleep. It wasn't always so simple, but I do all those things with my other half at my side so I don't find the need to make it any more exciting. On the weekends, I clean, cook, shop or lay around for hours because I'm lazy. My job is stressful in the spring & fall months because I work for a lawn care company and it's only seasonal. I work as a sales auditor but recently, more than that job description has been delegated to me so I also do customer service, accounts receivable, data entry & sometimes production. I have no "close" friends to speak of because I'm not so good at keeping in touch with people. Sadly, there are few I bother to keep in touch with that aren't family. But I find life easier to coast through without friends, for some reason they seem to complicate my life and I like my life boring and predictable.
Reading what I just wrote makes me feel like I've just given the impression that I'm stuck up and anti-social. Trust me, I'm not stuck up. I guess I'm just tired of the constant maintenance it takes to be the outgoing, fun and fancy-free person that most people like to be around. I'm the, if you don't know me yet, you probably won't get the chance to, type of person. Not because I'm a bitch, but because getting to know me takes time. Time that neither I, nor you, probably have nowadays. Don't get me wrong, I can be fun when I want. I just don't always want to be. I keep to myself and hope to hell that you could care less if I do.
Anyways, I've been shopping online for hours. I didn't know Ed Hardy made baby clothes! Discovery of my night! I have been searching for ideas to make my room more baby-friendly. Right now it's just my king-size mattresses on the floor, a lamp & a plastic drawer set I got from Wal-mart. I want a new diaper changing table where I can keep all the baby bathing stuff, diapers & wipes and grooming products. I started looking at an armoire that I can add another clothing rack to since it'll be all baby clothes & I need a rocking chair because I intend to breast feed. I wonder how long you're supposed to breast-feed. My co-workers told me about a lady that breastfed her son until he was near 7. What kind of shit is that? Is it really necessary to keep kids on breast milk that long? They told me how she brought him to work with her one day & he straight climbed on top of her lap while she was talking, pulled her shirt over his head and started drinking while she never broke a sentence. Awkward! To each his own I guess. Do you think the skills & instincts it takes to be a mother just come naturally? Or do they have to be learned & developed? I've seen women that instantly transform from woman to mother like it was always there, just waiting to be needed. And then I've seen women where it seems as though they learned their parenting skills off of a Jerry Springer episode. I guess that kind of answers my question but then I still wonder what that means for me. Because this isn't my first pregnancy do I already have those skills? Or do I still need to have a baby physically here for me to know how to care for one? Maybe I should google it.
Tonight was supposed to be movie night. I don't know why we keep going to Blockbuster when we have netflix but we do. Now, my husband broke his leg a while ago & got laid off so I've been working & trying to keep up with these bills. I make enough to take care of us but for some reason, it seems like when all the bills are paid & you think you have money left to spend, you have new bills that you didn't know needed to be paid! During all my pregnancies I've been on MedicAid so I had NO IDEA pregnancy was this expensive! On top of my picky eating habits, I've got Dr co-pay & prenatals to buy. I've got an insurance deductible twice the cost of my rent & I have to buy clothes that fit every time I break a button! I'm not sure where I was going with this thought, but back to movie night. He sold his PC tower today & when I asked if we could get TruBlood Season 2, he freaks out & tells me that money was for his credit card payment. Seeing as it was my intention to pay for the movie with my debit card, I took that up the butt & wigged out. I spent the last month paying off the loan he took out to send money to his family in CA, I made a $50 pmnt on his last credit card statement, I had to pay the rent, the phone, the utilities and the car insurance with just what I make & it seriously PISSED me off that he was about to flip out over a couple of bucks for a Blockbuster movie. Hmmmmm, was I overreacting? Maybe. But the stress of pregnancy, finances & work kind of put me in the kind of mood to freak out fairly easily. Are men seriously THAT oblivious to the emotional rollercoaster that comes with pregnancy? Anyways, I freak out after he says that and he says that I'M the one with issues. True as that may be, that whole scene was Y0UR fault! Don't men get it? It's THEIR fault! Regardless of what happened. Haha.
Ok, so I've talked about nothing. Sorry blog. But this nonsense makes sense to me! Maybe I'm just crazy. But right now, I'm tired. Until next time!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)